Lisa Bournelis

This week I turned 50 years old, and like many of you facing a milestone birthday, (be it your 30s, 40s, 50s and so forth), I had visions for this one. Visions of what I hoped to look like at this age; (after all, the famous writer George Orwell once quipped, “At 50, everyone has the face s/he deserves.”) I had visions of how much I would weigh; visions of where I would be in my career and where I would stand financially; aspirational visions of what my life would be like, and how I would be living my ‘best life’ at this time.

After all, hasn’t society told us we can have it all?! Aren’t we exhorted at every waking moment that we can mange our careers, launch successful businesses while running a household and raising a family?

While we juggle all this, we are also tasked to ‘breathe deeply’, ‘be present’, ‘show up as calm and mindful’, while starting a side gig’, ‘strength training’, ‘tracking our macros,’ ‘balancing our hormones’, ‘eating more protein’, ‘filling our bucket, ‘finding our bliss’, ‘juggling it all’ because YOU MUST MODEL HAVING IT ALL TOGETHER !!

DID I TRIGGER YOU?!

To paraphrase an old Yiddish proverb, “If you want to make God laugh, tell them your plans!

One of my key learnings at this blessed age is that life is measured in seasons- be it joy, pain, anxiety, grief, euphoria, depression, giddiness, bitterness, and forgiveness. This is the essence of the human experience and as messy and complex as it is, it is what makes each one of us who we are today.

Society places demands for constant improvement, suggesting an upward and linear trend of continued growth and achievement is necessary to be valued. But what I’ve learned, and what probably every reader can attest, is life is sticky and complicated and that path you are on you will sometimes disappear. Sometimes you’ll need to set up camp and rest, sometimes you need to walk the trail backwards, and sometimes you simply fall off a cliff and no longer know where to find that path.

Can you relate?

So long as we draw breath, we realize that with every stretch in life, there is a fold, and with ever fold, there is a time when we eventually uncurl, and rise again.

Despite the perfectionist tendencies of my youth, a good life, I’ve come to realize, is not measured in chronological ‘wins’ and ‘achievements’ but is measured in moments. In sunsets that bring you to tears; in moments of spiritual or loving ecstasy; in the moments of despair, grief, of fear; and in moment of astonishing peace and contentment.

My ancestors in Ancient Greece understood this and had two words for time: Chronos (from which the concept of chronology is derived) and Chairos, (from which we get the notion of the season or moments). This concept also appears in Indigenous cultures in the Pacific Northwest. Chronological time, with its associated expectations, are colonial constructs. Rather time is seen as a relative and seasonal concept, with the relationships and moments being valued and cherished. It is the recognition that it is in the moment (be it suffering or joy) where we live at our fullest potential. It is in the gathering of that knowledge of experience where we find the resilience that takes us from season to season.

As anyone reading this knows, breakthroughs and blessings are not chronological. In my mid 20s to early 30s I was living my dream job and life working as a humanitarian aid worker for the United Nations and other aid agencies. I’ve had the privilege to serve in the Kosovo, Afghanistan, and all over Africa.

At 31 I married my soulmate, but by my mid 30s I was in the agonies of unexplained infertility and became a ‘geriatric mother’ at 35. My great longing for a child made to CHOOSE to shelve my ambitious nature, (I was THAT girl who wanted to secretary general of the UN one day), and step back in my career and be content with a project management role so I could have flexibility and present for my child.

The itch to achieve needed to be scratched so at 42 I got my first black belt in taekwondo and at 45, my third.

Then we had the PANDEMIC, and an entire world collectively experienced the uncertainty and loss of control together. When every day felt like a freakish repetition of the last, I longed for radical change. My son prior to this time had been diagnosed with OCD, so like many of you raising children with additional needs, or undergoing mental health treatment at the time, you suddenly found yourself without access to critical resources (in person or otherwise) while the world shut down. It was a time my child, in addition to believing his food was poisoned, now believed the air was poisoned too.

It is during this season of upheaval that my greatest creativity arose, and in 2021 I published Louie and the Dictator, now a three-time award winning children’s novella inspired to help anxious and neurodiverse kids overcome intrusive thoughts. That fall I also delivered a TEDx on thriving in uncertainty using adaptive actions.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve had my BREAKTHROUGH, that I am a best- selling author and motivational speaker with passive income streams that allow me financial freedom, that I’ve quit my job and only work four hours a week and make millions…. that couldn’t be further from the truth.

What I can authentically tell you, is now that I’m in the throws if perimenopause, I’m no longer the brave young girl that would up sticks and travel to dangerous places on my own to work. I’m different in this season. Every move I make is calculated to ensure that my family and my peace are not adversely impacted. Two months ago, I was laid low by crippling anxiety I’ve never experienced in my life. The very day I was offered a more senior job opportunity, I felt like I was having a heart attack with nausea, heart palpitations, dizziness and chest pain threatening to overwhelm me while driving on the freeway. This would continue for weeks. I subsequently turned down that opportunity and would judge and berate myself for weeks more. Yet, what grace would I extend to a friend in a similar situation? Why couldn’t apply that grace to myself?

So if you need to hear anything today, I want you to walk away with the permission to take care of yourself and to know that your value is not in the stretches and leaps and achievements you score, but in the realization that there is a season for stretching and there is a season for folding – and wherever you are personally at today, is exactly where you need to be.

If you’ve been following this blog, I write about how to apply change management tools to meet your personal goals. I write about the power of the stretch and fold, and how all complex adaptive systems, including ourselves, require this before we can grow and stretch into something new.

Think of the dough that is kneaded and stretched, before it is put through the fire to become a loaf. Think of the athlete who creates micro-tears in her muscles as she lifts heavy weights. It is when she rests and folds that her muscles repair and become stronger for her next performance. Think of the business owner or designer that innovates, fails forward, learns, and relaunches products. Throughout nature and throughout life, we see this pattern of stretching and folding. Every stretch requires a fold, and every fold requires a stretch – this is the nature of complex adaptive systems.

In this spirit, you have the power to rewrite your story at any time. If you need to fold right now, do so knowing that you are remarkably, perfectly, wonderfully you in this very moment – regardless of whether you are embarking on a transformation journey or a new initiative in 2025. You are in the season you are meant to be in, and whether it is a joyful or a painful season, this too shall pass. With every season, know you are inexorably ‘coming into your own’ and that all these experiences feed into the person you are becoming and meant to be. There is no timeline for transformation, there is only you and this moment.

So, I leave you with this question: What is one shift you will make to embrace the season you are in, or move you towards a season you aspire to be? What is one shift you will make today?